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The Maturation of Sacrifice

For the past few months, I’ve been thinking about the different sacrifices I have made throughout my life (so far) and the sacrifices I know I will have to make in the future. When I was a child, I did not like the idea of sacrifice because of the lens that I saw it through. I often saw certain themes related to sacrifice; I saw the women in my family sacrifice more than the men in my family. To be honest, I even believed that women should sacrifice more since we are the ones who are nurturers and mothers and wives. I couldn’t figure out why we seemed to have a heavier burden than men did, and I didn’t look forward to that being my future just because I was a woman.

As I got older, I intentionally put myself in positions where I would not have to sacrifice that much, and once I became independent I reveled in my power of not having to sacrifice as much as others did. In fact, the last substantial sacrifice I remember making before becoming independent was when I moved in with my maternal grandparents when my grandmother was in her middle stages of dementia, and my grandfather wanted to keep her at home. I moved in with them for about six months or so to help out with my grandmother‘s care, in addition to home health aids coming a few times a week. At that time my mama warned me not to move in with them, and it wasn’t because she didn’t believe that I was capable of helping, but because she knew how much I loved my grandmother and she knew I wasn’t ready for the emotional sacrifice of having to see her in a state of diminished capacity 24/7. She ended up being proven right; it was incredibly painful to see my granny lose her speech and her mobility and see my papa grieve the woman that he knew and the life that he was used to. We eventually moved my granny into a facility where she stayed for many years before she passed away.

While she was at her facility, I moved out and I’ve been out on my own ever since. Outside of church, spending time with my family, and my work obligations, I found myself not having to sacrifice much. I won’t say that I was selfish, because I’ve always had a generous heart and I love and support the people around me. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that independence allowed me to make decisions about who/what I sacrifice for vs it being required and/or forced on me. I enjoyed my own company and the autonomy of my own time. I did not have the responsibilities of being a wife or mother, and I promised myself that any sacrifices I made in the future would be my own choice. I wondered what would happen as my parents got older and if they became ill, but I talked with my brother about it and we both agreed that we would both step up when that time came.

But then I was confronted with the idea of sacrifice being non-optional, and that is when my paternal granny passed away. At her homegoing service, different family members shared about how much she sacrificed for her many brothers and sisters, uncles, and cousins. She was a woman who thought of her family first and who did everything she could to support her loved ones. While I was grateful to hear her spoken of so highly and celebrated, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to her own dreams and desires. I wondered if she had any unspoken regrets, or if she ever felt feelings of resentment that she never spoke out loud.

I have a tradition in my family that is not spoken out loud, but one that has been a repeated pattern, and that tradition is the single woman in the family becoming the primary caretaker for their elderly family member. I’ve seen this play out throughout my life, and I have a fear that I will follow in the footsteps of this tradition. I use the word fear cautiously because caring for my elders is not something I am afraid of; it’s the way the care is done that I don’t want to mimic. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and I have every intention to honor my parents and to care for them the way they have cared for me. But I want to care for my family and not sacrifice my own well-being in the process, and not sacrifice my own dreams and desires. I’ll be honest and say that I don’t know if this is what will happen. I don’t know if I will repeat the cycle, and that uncertainty brings a lot of emotions, and I will honor them.

When I think about decisions that I am currently making about my future, my career, and even my retirement and things of that nature, I admit that I am not just thinking about myself anymore. My parents are in their 60s, and I think about them. My grandpa is 85, and I think about him. While I am not an only child, my brother is married with his own family, and I have to acknowledge that. I am single with no family of my own, and I don’t know when and how that might change. If I were 26 again, I would probably pick up and move and do all kinds of adventurous things. And while I’m still young at 36, life is different. There are now realities that I see in my parents and my family that I feel like I need to be here for. That’s why I called this blog the maturation of sacrifice, because maybe the way that I have seen and perceived sacrifice needs to mature.

Under no circumstances have I arrived at total peace with sacrifice. God is still going to have to work on my heart concerning the fears I have about the future. But one thing I do know is that I’m not going to give up on my own dreams and desires. Life is moving incredibly fast and time is the only thing that we can never get back. I don’t want to have any more regrets with the time I have left.

For all the people who have to sacrifice and who don’t have a choice in the why, the how, or the how long, I see you. Most importantly, God sees you. I believe that no desire or dream is ignored by God. He sees all of it, and He sees all of you.

See y’all next week~

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Unpacking Loyalty

“Tell me who you loyal to
Do it start with your woman or your man?
Do it end with your family and friends?
Or you’re loyal to yourself in advance?” -Kendrick Lamar

I consider myself to be an extremely loyal person, and if I’m honest, I’m beginning to examine whether that is truly a good thing or not. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, aligning myself with things and people that I find value in. I’ll give you an example: I’m loyal to physical books. I can’t stand e-readers, like Kindle, and I also don’t like the audio versions of books. I’ve always felt like it was a form of cheating, although I know that that’s actually nonsensical. But there’s something about a physical book that I love, and it’s to the point where I refuse to even try reading differently. Out of all the things to be loyal to, physical books is one of my top ones. But I also know that deep down my loyalty to physical books is rooted in fear. What if I try a Kindle and I love it and all the physical books I own go unread? What if I enjoy an Audible subscription and feel like I wasted money buying physical books? So I tell myself to just remain loyal to what I’ve always done, and that it’s not hurting me to not try anything new. Right?

I started with books because that’s a low-stakes game for me. But the truth is that I have been deeply loyal to some long-standing relationships in my life. I am super loyal to my friends; in fact, I have known all of my close friends for at least eight years, if not longer. I’ve been very loyal to the company where I work for the past 13 years, which feels wild to say because of how fast time has gone by. I was very loyal to my previous church for eight years, and I was all-in in multiple areas. Can you see a pattern? When I like something and I find it of value to me, my heart makes a contract with my mind, and I decide that I am fully devoted to that thing and/or person. I essentially make a non-spiritual covenant, which is dangerous in and of itself. Maybe that needs to be its own separate blog.

Now, please understand that in no way am I demeaning being a loyal person. I think that loyalty is a beautiful thing, especially in today’s time, where it seems like we change our minds about our commitments and people almost daily. My parents raised me with the understanding that if you said you would commit to something, you need to honor your word and commit to that thing. And I’ve done just that and developed some beautiful relationships and experienced personal growth and maturity as a result of my loyalty. And if I weren’t self-aware, I would end the blog right here and tell you to be loyal to all the things that are important to you and to have a good weekend. But the purpose of this blog is to be obedient and share the life lessons I’ve learned and those I’m still learning. So I need to talk about how loyalty can be misused.

Loyalty is one of those things that gets you praise from people, it inflates your ego and makes you feel good about yourself. And I wanted to make sure that I called this out because we have to recognize what gives us validation, and how that impacts our decisions. It took me a very long time to understand that my loyalty was often used as a way to avoid embracing change in my life. Instead of doing the internal work to uncover why I was fearful about change, I just celebrated being a loyal person. Then when other people around me began to change, I was filled with insecurity and I resented them because deep down, I was jealous of their bravery, the bravery I did not have.

I want to be explicitly clear about something- it takes bravery to change your mind about your loyalty to something and/or someone. When I hear about a woman leaving an unhealthy marriage after 20 years, I recognize her bravery. When I hear about people changing careers after decades in a specific industry, I recognize their bravery. When I see people pick up and leave everything and everyone they know in their hometown and move to a completely different state across the country, I recognize their bravery.

I’m going to say something that might rattle some people, but I don’t care. I have a theory that most people who consider themselves to be very loyal people are also very fearful people. I think loyal people are the siblings to people pleasers; it becomes one more way for people to solidify their value/worth to others. That’s why I said earlier that loyalty can earn you praise from people. On the surface, it appears like a beautiful trait, and it truly can be. But we have to be aware of what’s underneath the surface of our behavior. When I looked under the surface of my own behavior, I saw that my loyalty was a form of emotional insurance, that it guaranteed that what I valued wouldn’t be taken away from me. If I show you that I am a very loyal friend, you won’t have a reason to stop being friends with me. If I show you that I am a hard-working employee, you will see me as worthy and promote me. If I am loyal to you in a romantic relationship no matter how you treat me, you will pick me because I’ve proved myself. (But they still don’t).

This is where I bring us back to something I said earlier in this blog, and that is about the emotional contracts I created between my heart and my mind when I decided to be loyal to something and/or someone. I had an unspoken expectation with that contract and assumed that my loyalty would be rewarded with their loyalty in return. Isn’t it awesome? Yes! Do you think that’s what actually happened? No! I did not consider the realities of life, that sometimes friendships end, and it’s not because of a falling out or something negative, but just because we find ourselves at different places in life. I didn’t consider that some people accepted my loyalty because it benefited them, but they never had any intention of being loyal to me in return. I didn’t consider that it is perfectly OK for people to change their minds about things in their lives and that it’s perfectly OK for me to change my mind too!

Loyalty and love are completely different things and we need to be careful to not put them in the same category. Over the past five years, I have been actively allowing myself to accept and embrace change in my life, while still choosing to love deeply. I’ve changed churches now a couple of times, but I still fiercely love everyone at my old church. I’ve had friendship changes and friendship dynamic changes (which is another blog itself), but I still love and ride for my friends. I’ve opened my eyes to the possibility of potential career changes, but I still love everything that I’ve learned and gained thus far. Just because you change who and what you are loyal to does not mean that you stop loving people. You changing your mind does not make you a villain, it makes you a human.

If there is anything I could say to my 20-year-old self, it would be that it’s OK to change your mind. Life is so much shorter than you think and it’s gonna fly by, so make the decisions that you want to make versus the ones you feel you should make.

Be loyal to what will bring you your highest level of joy. We only have this one life💜

See y’all next week~

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You Deserve To Be Loved Out Loud

“Stop dating people who only want to see you at night, you are not a roach” -Black Twitter, 2020

I have to be so real as I write this because some things need to be told straight. I know Valentine’s Day is coming up, and for some, it brings a heightened awareness of your own loneliness. I understand how you feel, considering that I haven’t had a Valentine in 10+ years, but I’m good, I’m fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE (sigh). But one thing that I do have on my side that I did not always have is the confidence in knowing that I won’t settle for just anybody, and that I definitely am not going to settle for being anyone’s secret.

Now before we get into this topic, I want to first bring clarity to something. I’m not speaking to the women who are being deceived in their relationships; that’s something different entirely. I’m speaking to the women who know they are a secret and are willfully still engaging in the relationship. You are my target audience.

Now, I want to be clear and explain that it’s possible to be a man’s secret and still have fun with him and enjoy happy times. Just because he’s not publicly with you doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you and does not enjoy your company. But it does mean is that there’s something about you that he believes he does not have to invest in, and therin lies the problem. You are an investment, and this includes your time, your energy, your care, and most certainly your body. It’s not okay for a man to exert the least amount of effort and in turn you give him the most of your energy.

I can talk so passionately about this because I’ve walked down this road. Hell, I’ve walked, ran, swam, and jet skiied down this road. But I’m so grateful that was many years ago, and that I’ve decided to say no more. To be clear, men are not the villians in this story; our lack of self-love is. That’s why I’ve never been the type to trash men, because we are often equal players in the games that hurt us.

Now, if you are like me, you may be delusional in your accepting the truth about your being a secret. I used to be masterful in justifiying my decisions, so I know how to play that game better than you. But with the help of Jesus, journaling, and therapy, I know realize that the truth was in front of me all along, and so as my Valentine’s Day gift to you, I am going to give you some key questions to ask yourself. If you can answer YES to at least three of these questions, you are settling for a secret relationship and you need to stop.

Question 1: Have you ever gone on a date with this man during the day or at night (any resturant, bowling, movies, etc.) *I’m also adding a mileage caveat to this. If y’all live in Federal Way and y’all go to Lynnwood to eat, it’s suspect. Argue with somebody else*

Question 2: Have you ever met any of his family/friends/loved ones? *If a man cares about you, he will introduce you to the people he cares about*

Question 3: When you see him in public, does he speak to you? *Or does he act like you don’t exist and/or give you that church wave?*

Question 4: Does he make last-minute plans with you? *Asking you to come through at 10:25pm on a Tuesday night*

Question 5: Do you have a picture with him? Could you take a picture with him without him telling you to immediately delete it? *This is a big one; it’s easy to not think about this when you’re with someone often, but it’s very telling how he reacts to taking a picture with you*

If you are just now realizing that you’re a secret, my heart hurts for you, truly. But I’m also grateful, because in this year of 2024, I don’t want any woman to settle. We deserve better. You deserve better. We have to rework our minds about being alone. Sometimes, alone is better. Because at least you can be alone on your own terms. And that kind of ‘at least’ thinking is good.

See y’all next week!