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Keep Going

I’m late writing today’s blog, because for the first time in a long time, I was busy with work from the moment I started to the end of my day. But I said I would be consistent, and I will keep that promise to myself.

If I’m honest, I should’ve started planning this week’s blog earlier in the week, but I avoided it because I was trying to get through this week as quickly as possible. My anxiety has been working overtime these days, and usually when I feel anxious, I do only what I have to do and then I spend a lot of time being quiet. I knew that writing this blog would require me to exert more mental and emotional energy than I wanted to give, which is why it’s 6 PM and I’m just now writing this. So since my anxiety is at the top of my mind and heart, that’s what I’m gonna write about today; having the motivation to keep going in the midst of anxiety.

Now, one thing I will not do on this blog is justify, define, and argue about the nuances of mental health. I recognize that they are different types of mental health issues and different ways they show up in each person. If the way I speak about my mental health does not align with how your mental health shows up, that’s perfectly OK. I’m not here to defend anything, I’m only here to own my truth.

When you have anxiety, it can influence your decisions in ways that you may not see at first. For me, one of the areas anxiety has conquered me in the past is through my lack of dreaming. I believe that life should be an adventure, but I worry about the risks associated, and if those risks are worth it. For people with anxiety, risk can be conflated with harm. So you tell yourself that any dream or desire that you have that is not within your total control has the potential to harm you, and as a result, you stop dreaming. Being realistic may not bring you joy, but it does bring you comfort.

I’ve been thinking about faith heavily for the past 6 months, and last year I asked God to show me the dreams that I had thrown away out of fear and my lack of faith. He showed me a few of them, and then He asked me to do something that I didn’t understand at the time. He asked me to write down every time I had been rejected in my life up to this point. And y’all, this was so painful to write, because I had to remember things that I have pushed way down in my heart. Jobs I had applied for, failed friendships and relationships, and even times where I felt rejected by God. When I finished writing, I looked at my total list, and I was troubled at how long it was. I was also troubled at how nothing was on the list more than once, meaning that I had only tried one time, felt rejected, and then quit.

It was at that moment that I realized that I have a quitting problem. When I feel the pain of rejection, my anxiety tells me that I can avoid this pain by never trying again. But with that decision, another type of pain is introduced, regret. There was so much regret on that page, and I honestly felt heartbroken.

So, in September of last year, I decided to get some flip-chart paper and write down my dreams. These included dreams for my family, dreams for my future marriage, dreams about my career, dreams about my finances, etc. I did not hold back, and I wrote down everything that was on my heart. Just writing them down gave me crazy anxiety, but just like this blog, I did it anyway.

And, slowly but surely, I’ve been working towards making my dreams a reality. I’ve also been praying that I surrender my dreams to God, and that I believe that His plans for me are infinitely more powerful than my anxiety ever could be. Some of my dreams may not come true, and some of them may not come true at this time. But I’m going to keep going and keep dreaming and keep giving my best so that I’m prepared for whatever my future holds.

Thank you God, for being my peace♥️

Please watch this video to remind yourself of who God is🙌🏾 See y’all next week!

Jaron M. Legrair Studios (TikTok)

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Living an “At Least” Life

It is my belief that the most unhappy people are the those who settle in life, whether that be in their job, their relationship, even where they live. This is not to say that settling is something we should never do, because sometimes we have to pivot in life to reroute ourselves in the right direction. But I’m not talking about that kind of settling-that kind is only temporary. I’m talking about the kind of setting that is not necessary, and that is chosen out of fear and a lack of faith.

Sometimes we settle into making “safe” decisions. Now this is not always true (I’ve definitely made some reckless decisions in the past), but as I get older I have found myself settling more and more. I can provide several intelligent reasons why settling was a good decision in the moment, but the truth is, I can lack faith. Pure and simple.

In my adulthood I’ve learned that there is a key difference between a reason and an excuse. A reason is an explanation for something. An excuse is a justification for something. So, using myself as an example, I have many reasons why I have settled in different areas of my life. What I do not have, however, is an excuse. Deep down, I know that I should overcome my reasons and choose to go for what I really want and believe God for my dreams. And a few weeks ago, God showed me just how costly my settling has been over the course of my life.

I was reading a story I’ve read many times, the story of Moses helping to free the Israellites in Exodus. In Chapter 15, after they crossed the Jordan, they started complaining to Moses, about them having bitter water. So God performed a miracle, and gave them clean drinking water. But by the next chapter, they were complaining again, this time about being hungry, and they compared their current state to when they were under Pharoh’s rule and had ample food. They were so extra, they even accused Moses of trying to starve them to death!

Now, as you read on you will see that God performs another miracle and gives them food, but I stopped at their complaining. I was irritated with them, and I said out loud to God, “How could they entertain returning to forced labor and abuse under Pharoh over some food?“, and God responded “it’s because they had an ‘at least’ mindset”. And then He proceeded to tell me about myself.

To give you a heads up about my relationship with God, it’s very unique. I can hear God as clearly as I can hear anyone, and I jokingly say that He slaps me upside the head with His sandal. And that’s what He did that night. I’m going to summarize our conversation below.

Me: “I just don’t get how they would trade their freedom for some food. They watched you part a sea in half and put it back together.”

Jesus: “It’s funny that you are so irritated with what they did when you have done the same thing multiple times. It’s not about the food, it’s about them not believing that I had better for them, so they were willing to settle for what was safe. “

Me: Silence.

I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t say a word. I had no excuses. Have you ever heard something so piercing that you had to write it down? That was me in that moment, and not only did I write it down, I immediately wrote down examples of how God was right.

Here I was thinking I was better than the Israelites when I was just like them! Okay, no, I’m not in physical bondage or forced to do hard labor. BUT, there have been times when I know that God was asking me to trust Him for better, but I allowed my “at least” thinking cause me to settle, and I didn’t consider what it would cost me.

At least I have a man, even when I knew he was not the right one.

At least it’s a job, even when I was deeply unhappy.

These are excuses I told myself to justify making certain decisions, and can I tell y’all a secret? Neither of these decisions had a happy ending. In fact, they led to the same end result. Regret.

While I wish I would have realized and corrected this mindset years ago, I probably wouldn’t have listened to God or been still enough to hear His voice. But now that I do know, I have some work to do. It’s not easy unlearning a pattern of thinking, but I’m committed to doing it. I don’t want to forfeit anymore of the promises and plans that God for me because of the limitations of my own thinking, and it’s my hope that you don’t want to either. When God speaks, we must listen.

And then we need to DO something. I’m speaking to myself first and always.

See y’all next week!

Season 2: Doing It Afraid

This is my second time at attempting to write a blog. I created one in 2020 and I was fairly consistent, but I was more fearful than anything else and I stopped blogging because of my fear. What’s odd is that I wasn’t fearful that no one would read it (that’s not my goal here, hence the blog title). I’m just being obedient, and if God and the WordPress editors are the only ones to ever knows that this blog exists, I did what He said to do.

What I was fearful of was the potential for my vulnerability to be rejected, or worse, be weaponized. See, when God first started talking to me about writing a blog years ago, He told me to write about things that made me very uncomfortable. Things that I’ve experienced, choices that I’ve made, lessons I’ve learned, and things I still have questions about. This troubled me, because I very much enjoy being private for the most part. I have my close friends, who know me very well, but I have been very intentional about hiding certain parts of my story, especially those that involved matters of the heart and mind. I don’t look like what I’ve been through. Glory!

But if we are to be overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, that means we must testify. Now let me be clear. This is not going to be some tell-all blog; not even close to that. I’m still very private, and I will only be sharing what God tells me to share (and even that will be it’s own struggle).

The purpose of this blog is to hopefully help someone else feel seen and know that they have not been alone in their life’s experiences, and that despite what they’ve been through, they are still worthy.

Am I scared? Absolutely. Do I know how long I’ll be writing this blog for? Nope. But what I do know is that throughout my life, two things have always help me to process my reality, and those things are reading and writing. I read and write something every single day. So, it is my prayer that as I am obedient to God, He will give me the courage to stand tall, in all of my truth, with no apologies made. In spite of all of the anxiety, fear, and the MANY questions that I have of God, I’m going to do it anyway.

Oh and I love GIFs and other forms of media and you will see them often. Judge yourself💯

See you next week!