Trauma Scars

One thing that you may not know about me is that I love skincare. This is something I realized during the pandemic when we were all alone. It started with me looking for a new face wash, and then being influenced by TikTok to start having a skincare routine. I did some research on Black-owned brands and saw great reviews about a company called Good Molecules. (While this is not a sponsored blog, if somehow in the universe they see this I am down to be a brand ambassador because I love them).

Doing my skincare has become my favorite part of my day because I can sit and think about different topics, and the steps of my skincare routine are just simple enough to not distract me. I was recently doing my skincare routine and I started thinking about trauma. I don’t know why this was on my mind, but it probably had something to do with the episode of Law and Order SVU I had just watched. I reflected on a quote I had heard about how trauma can give us thick skin; and that going through certain things can toughen us up. This is something I certainly understand, as I have experienced things that have made me stronger and have given me different perspectives. As I thought about that quote, I immediately said to myself that yes, some trauma does give you thick skin. But I also believe that some types of trauma changes your skin.

Let me give you an example. There are clear physical differences between a burn scar and having third-degree burns on your skin. When I was 13-14, my dad was frying some chicken one night and he told me to back up from the grease, and when I didn’t, some of the grease popped on my wrist and I had a small burn mark for years. You could see the mark, but my actual skin was not damaged, and it eventually healed. But if you’ve ever seen pictures and/or videos of someone who has had third-degree burns, it is devastating. In those cases, they often have to get multiple rounds of surgery, and even after surgery their skin can remain permanently disfigured. Two people can survive a housefire, but there may be only one burn victim.

I believe that everyone has experienced some sort of trauma in their lives and that it all matters. Not all traumatic experiences involve abuse and/or violence. For some, a specific rejection can be traumatic. For others, the unexpected loss of a job. And let’s not forget the emotional equalizer of grief-we all have experienced the trauma of losing a loved one. Although we all know what trauma is, our experiences are individual and should not be compared with anyone else’s. How we respond to our trauma is also individual, and not everyone comes out of their trauma whole. Some people have experienced so much trauma in their lives that it’s a miracle they are still here and in their right mind.

I am a big believer in causation. I believe that almost every decision that we make, especially the patterns in our lives, has a root cause and often includes some type of trauma. It is a privilege to be able to safely process the trauma in our lives, and how it impacts us and our decisions. I am working through some of my past trauma in therapy, and I do not take that for granted. However many people cannot afford therapy or do not have access to a therapist that they can relate to in their area. Many people cannot escape from their trauma because they are still connected to the very people who traumatized them (family, loved ones, etc).

One of the things that I will say over and over again until my last day is that you don’t know how something will affect you until it happens to you. There are a lot of people who are not the same person they used to be because their trauma changed them. They went through something and they came out different. Deep down they know it, and instead of trying to heal they’ve decided to embrace their new skin, as a means to gain some type of control. I have compassion for those people.

I wonder about some of these podcast bros whose whole personality is about disrespecting black women. I wonder how many of them were at one time very nice men who had a woman that they loved to death and would have done anything for, and that woman broke their heart, and now their skin is different. Now they don’t see us black women as being worthy of respect anymore.

I wonder about the many black women who are called bitter and jaded because of their ‘’men ain’t sh*t” narrative. Or the women whose achievements have become their personality, so they talk down to men and emasculate them at every turn. I wonder if those women were once hopeless romantics who played Barbara the builder for so many men and gave of themselves time and time again, only to be hurt, repeatedly. Now their skin is different, and they are hard-hearted as a means of self-protection.

I especially think about all of the people in the Christian church (especially my fellow millennial church kids) who were made to feel like their trauma didn’t matter, or who were surrounded by the improper teachings of purity culture and who endured sex shaming, misogyny, and hypocrisy. As much as these people loved God, the judgment and treatment that they received from others changed their skin. And they haven’t returned to the church since.

God knows the real us, He sees what is underneath all of our trauma. And I am choosing to believe that He is powerful enough to give you your old skin back.

See yall next week~

As the world turns

I’m sure by now that we have all seen that video of K-Ci and Jojo singing, and that video has been playing in my head for the past several weeks leading up to my birthday, which was yesterday. I am now 36, and before you roll your eyes, I know that’s not old, that I have plenty of life to live, etc. But just because you don’t relate to someone’s concerns or you feel that your concerns are of greater substance doesn’t mean that you should dismiss someone else. I’m allowed to have feelings about getting older. You’re allowed to not care.

I’ve always been chill about birthdays and I’m low-key in how I celebrate. But this year I feel more anxiety than excitement, and it’s because I am not completely at peace about getting older. Don’t get me wrong, I accept my birthday. I’ve never been the type to lie about my age or have a 10th “25th” birthday. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30, and that’s just reality. I’m two years away from my 20th high school reunion, and I already know in advance that I won’t be going.

I recently read that the average life span is between 73 and 76 years for women, with black women living 3-5 years less than white women. So at 36, my mid-life crisis makes sense. But I wouldn’t call it a crisis necessarily, because that’s a heavy word that is often associated with impulsive decisions. Instead of the word crisis, I am going to use the word audit. I’m having a mid-life audit, where I’m reflecting on my past, my current state, and what I want for my future.

As I am reflecting, I have found one major pattern. I am a create of habit; I tend to do the same things, all of the time. I noted some examples:

-I’ve worn my hair in the same style for the last 4-6 years

-I’ve lived in the same apartment for 10 years

I’ve been working at the same company for the last 13 years (which for a millennial is super uncommon)

-I wore some version of black glasses every year for 20 years (I’ve been a four-eyes since I was 10)

-I have not worn any makeup in 14 years (is Iman Cosmetics still in business?)

I rolled my eyes at myself after reading this list. Not because I’m embarrassed, but because I don’t see anything on this list changing soon except potentially the color of my faux locs and that now I have all kinds of funky glasses in all colors. Hi Zeelol! And while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a person who likes what they like, I’m examining my “why”.

I know and embrace that I am the type of woman that needs stability in my life, and I am grateful that for the most part, my life has a lot of stability. This is why I pray that God doesn’t give me a husband who is a dreamer, because I will not be the supportive wife he needs. You can dream after work sweetheart💯

But I also have the self-awareness of knowing that I fear losing my stability, and this impacts many of my decisions. I’ve thought about moving to a new state for years, but what if I give up my apartment and leave my family and it doesn’t work out? What if I forfeit all of my accrued PTO and tenure and go to a new company and I regret it? The what-ifs are constant in my mind, and they often silence whatever bravery I am feeling that day.

Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about what 36 means to me, and I’m still thinking about it. I am an unmarried woman with no kids, I can literally do whatever I want. And that reality is both exhilarating and terrifying. I do know that I have enough regrets (more than enough) and that I want to experience more joy, more laughter, and more bravery.

I also want to make a disclaimer: I am not conflating bravery with recklessness (I’ve walked down that road before). I’m not making any changes without first making a plan.

Here’s to 36 turns around the sun~

See y’all next week!

Protective Masks

It’s 2024, and we all know what it’s like to wear a mask. Although the pandemic has been officially declared as over, Covid is still prevalent and now with the rise of the RSV virus, many people are still wearing masks regularly. Proper medical grade face masks have proven to be an effective preventative measure against transmitting viruses.

This blog is not about medical masks though. It’s about emotional masks, and although we may not want to readily admit it, we all wear them at times, for different reasons. The formal term is called ‘masking’, and it’s defined as when an individual hides or suppresses symptoms, behaviors, or difficulties they are experiencing. The motives for masking can vary based on the person, but it’s often done out of fear of being our authentic selves.

This is a bold take, but I don’t think that masking is necessarily a bad thing; in fact I think it’s sometimes necessary. We can practice masking as a means of protecting ourselves from potential danger and/or harm. If you are Black and work in corporate America, you know that we have to mask at times. That’s what code switching is rooted in. All this talk about psychological safety and showing up authentically in the workplace doesn’t apply to us. While the reality of that is tiring and irritates the hell out of me, it’s still true.

Another type of protective masking is when we shield our personal belief systems. At this point in society, we shouldn’t have to hide who we are, especially as adults, but the world has become so polarized. You can be labeled as “anti” anything if you don’t agree with and/or support an opinion, belief, or group. You can be labeled as part of hate groups when that is the furthest thing from your character and values.

This is especially true on social media, where people have been doxxed (their personal, financial, and employment information was publicly shared online ) when they shared opinions that others didn’t like (i.e. what happened to Breethetherapist on TikTok). She got fired from her job because of things she said on her TikTok about black men needing therapy. IYKYK.

Choosing to be 100% bold all of the time can have some serious consequences, especially depending on your environment. We have to remember that authenticity is expensive, and that it can cost you things you hold very dear (your sense of normal, your family/friends, and sometimes even your job).

Please understand that this is not a call to intentionally deceive people and hide who you are, but to have compassion on yourself and where you’re at emotionally. Sometimes it’s easier to mask than it is to be real, because we’re so broken on the inside. But at some point you have to be honest with yourself and with others. Ask yourself-am I surrounding myself with people I can be unmasked with? If you are unsure of the answer to that question, then you need to consider your environment. Authenticity can only thrive in safety.

Just remember to separate wearing a mask from identifying with it. Your authenticity is the most beautiful thing about you. If you are in a place where you are masked up most of the time, I hope you find a safe place to land. I realize that therapy is not free and that it’s not for everybody. Find what helps you. Take your mask off, even if just temporarily, and let yourself be.

See you next week~

Doubting the Promise

Photo by Jennifer Enujiugha on Pexels.com

Over the last few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about the promises of God. As a church girl, I grew up reading stories about different people in the bible who were given specific promises from God. A promise from God is when He says that something will (or will not) be done, given, and/or come to pass. My favorite bible story is the one about Abraham and Sarah, and the promise they were given regarding having a child. Their story is found in Genesis, where God makes a promise to Abraham that He would make a great nation out of him. At the time, both Abraham and Sarah were in their nineties, way past Sarah’s childbearing years. It seemed like an impossible situation, but God ultimately did fulfill His promise and bless them with a baby, named Isaac.

The story of Abraham and Sarah is one of many in the Bible where God gives and fulfills a specific promise to people. One of God’s characteristics is that He is faithful to keep His promises. The bible also tells us that God does not change, meaning that He is the same God today that He was then, and that He is still giving and fulfilling promises to His children. *Cue If He did it before by Tye Tribbett*.

But even though I know these characteristics of God, it doesn’t mean that I don’t have questions about how His promises work. I’ll be honest and admit that I am sometimes doubtful about whether God has specific promises for me. I’ve has moments throughout my life where I was sure that God promised me something and ended up disappointed. In hindsight, I can admit that some of the things I called promises were really just my desires that I added God to (maybe one week we’ll talk about God’s permissive will). But sometimes, I really believed I heard God promise me specific things, and when the promise(s) was not fulfilled, I was heartbroken.

Now, I want to be very clear in explaining that there is a difference between the general promises of God given to all of us as believers, and specific, tangible promises given to people. In His Word God says that if we seek Him, we will find Him. That’s an example of a promise that we all have, and I don’t have doubts about these kinds of promises. What I doubt is whether God has promised specific, tangible things to me.

I know that promises from God can be a hot topic in the Christian community, and I’ve heard polarizing opinions on it. If you’re a single woman, I know you’ve seen those YouTube videos of women explaining how God promised them a specific man as their husband, and how it came true. But for every one of those videos, there is another video from a woman explaining how God does not promise you a specific person for a spouse, and/or that God does not promise you a spouse period. When we hear and see these conflicting realities, it can cause not only confusion, but comparison, jealousy, and envy. When you watch someone else get the very thing(s) you have been praying for, it can be hard to accept and disappointment and bitterness can creep in. This is especially true when you have been believing that God has promised those same things to you, and they don’t come to pass.

So my prayer for today and for next week is to remember the promises from God that you already have. He will never change His mind about you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He has plans for you. And He has plans for me too.

See you next week~

Keep Going

I’m late writing today’s blog, because for the first time in a long time, I was busy with work from the moment I started to the end of my day. But I said I would be consistent, and I will keep that promise to myself.

If I’m honest, I should’ve started planning this week’s blog earlier in the week, but I avoided it because I was trying to get through this week as quickly as possible. My anxiety has been working overtime these days, and usually when I feel anxious, I do only what I have to do and then I spend a lot of time being quiet. I knew that writing this blog would require me to exert more mental and emotional energy than I wanted to give, which is why it’s 6 PM and I’m just now writing this. So since my anxiety is at the top of my mind and heart, that’s what I’m gonna write about today; having the motivation to keep going in the midst of anxiety.

Now, one thing I will not do on this blog is justify, define, and argue about the nuances of mental health. I recognize that they are different types of mental health issues and different ways they show up in each person. If the way I speak about my mental health does not align with how your mental health shows up, that’s perfectly OK. I’m not here to defend anything, I’m only here to own my truth.

When you have anxiety, it can influence your decisions in ways that you may not see at first. For me, one of the areas anxiety has conquered me in the past is through my lack of dreaming. I believe that life should be an adventure, but I worry about the risks associated, and if those risks are worth it. For people with anxiety, risk can be conflated with harm. So you tell yourself that any dream or desire that you have that is not within your total control has the potential to harm you, and as a result, you stop dreaming. Being realistic may not bring you joy, but it does bring you comfort.

I’ve been thinking about faith heavily for the past 6 months, and last year I asked God to show me the dreams that I had thrown away out of fear and my lack of faith. He showed me a few of them, and then He asked me to do something that I didn’t understand at the time. He asked me to write down every time I had been rejected in my life up to this point. And y’all, this was so painful to write, because I had to remember things that I have pushed way down in my heart. Jobs I had applied for, failed friendships and relationships, and even times where I felt rejected by God. When I finished writing, I looked at my total list, and I was troubled at how long it was. I was also troubled at how nothing was on the list more than once, meaning that I had only tried one time, felt rejected, and then quit.

It was at that moment that I realized that I have a quitting problem. When I feel the pain of rejection, my anxiety tells me that I can avoid this pain by never trying again. But with that decision, another type of pain is introduced, regret. There was so much regret on that page, and I honestly felt heartbroken.

So, in September of last year, I decided to get some flip-chart paper and write down my dreams. These included dreams for my family, dreams for my future marriage, dreams about my career, dreams about my finances, etc. I did not hold back, and I wrote down everything that was on my heart. Just writing them down gave me crazy anxiety, but just like this blog, I did it anyway.

And, slowly but surely, I’ve been working towards making my dreams a reality. I’ve also been praying that I surrender my dreams to God, and that I believe that His plans for me are infinitely more powerful than my anxiety ever could be. Some of my dreams may not come true, and some of them may not come true at this time. But I’m going to keep going and keep dreaming and keep giving my best so that I’m prepared for whatever my future holds.

Thank you God, for being my peace♥️

Please watch this video to remind yourself of who God is🙌🏾 See y’all next week!

Jaron M. Legrair Studios (TikTok)

You Deserve To Be Loved Out Loud

“Stop dating people who only want to see you at night, you are not a roach” -Black Twitter, 2020

I have to be so real as I write this because some things need to be told straight. I know Valentine’s Day is coming up, and for some, it brings a heightened awareness of your own loneliness. I understand how you feel, considering that I haven’t had a Valentine in 10+ years, but I’m good, I’m fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE (sigh). But one thing that I do have on my side that I did not always have is the confidence in knowing that I won’t settle for just anybody, and that I definitely am not going to settle for being anyone’s secret.

Now before we get into this topic, I want to first bring clarity to something. I’m not speaking to the women who are being deceived in their relationships; that’s something different entirely. I’m speaking to the women who know they are a secret and are willfully still engaging in the relationship. You are my target audience.

Now, I want to be clear and explain that it’s possible to be a man’s secret and still have fun with him and enjoy happy times. Just because he’s not publicly with you doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you and does not enjoy your company. But it does mean is that there’s something about you that he believes he does not have to invest in, and therin lies the problem. You are an investment, and this includes your time, your energy, your care, and most certainly your body. It’s not okay for a man to exert the least amount of effort and in turn you give him the most of your energy.

I can talk so passionately about this because I’ve walked down this road. Hell, I’ve walked, ran, swam, and jet skiied down this road. But I’m so grateful that was many years ago, and that I’ve decided to say no more. To be clear, men are not the villians in this story; our lack of self-love is. That’s why I’ve never been the type to trash men, because we are often equal players in the games that hurt us.

Now, if you are like me, you may be delusional in your accepting the truth about your being a secret. I used to be masterful in justifiying my decisions, so I know how to play that game better than you. But with the help of Jesus, journaling, and therapy, I know realize that the truth was in front of me all along, and so as my Valentine’s Day gift to you, I am going to give you some key questions to ask yourself. If you can answer YES to at least three of these questions, you are settling for a secret relationship and you need to stop.

Question 1: Have you ever gone on a date with this man during the day or at night (any resturant, bowling, movies, etc.) *I’m also adding a mileage caveat to this. If y’all live in Federal Way and y’all go to Lynnwood to eat, it’s suspect. Argue with somebody else*

Question 2: Have you ever met any of his family/friends/loved ones? *If a man cares about you, he will introduce you to the people he cares about*

Question 3: When you see him in public, does he speak to you? *Or does he act like you don’t exist and/or give you that church wave?*

Question 4: Does he make last-minute plans with you? *Asking you to come through at 10:25pm on a Tuesday night*

Question 5: Do you have a picture with him? Could you take a picture with him without him telling you to immediately delete it? *This is a big one; it’s easy to not think about this when you’re with someone often, but it’s very telling how he reacts to taking a picture with you*

If you are just now realizing that you’re a secret, my heart hurts for you, truly. But I’m also grateful, because in this year of 2024, I don’t want any woman to settle. We deserve better. You deserve better. We have to rework our minds about being alone. Sometimes, alone is better. Because at least you can be alone on your own terms. And that kind of ‘at least’ thinking is good.

See y’all next week!

Living an “At Least” Life

It is my belief that the most unhappy people are the those who settle in life, whether that be in their job, their relationship, even where they live. This is not to say that settling is something we should never do, because sometimes we have to pivot in life to reroute ourselves in the right direction. But I’m not talking about that kind of settling-that kind is only temporary. I’m talking about the kind of setting that is not necessary, and that is chosen out of fear and a lack of faith.

Sometimes we settle into making “safe” decisions. Now this is not always true (I’ve definitely made some reckless decisions in the past), but as I get older I have found myself settling more and more. I can provide several intelligent reasons why settling was a good decision in the moment, but the truth is, I can lack faith. Pure and simple.

In my adulthood I’ve learned that there is a key difference between a reason and an excuse. A reason is an explanation for something. An excuse is a justification for something. So, using myself as an example, I have many reasons why I have settled in different areas of my life. What I do not have, however, is an excuse. Deep down, I know that I should overcome my reasons and choose to go for what I really want and believe God for my dreams. And a few weeks ago, God showed me just how costly my settling has been over the course of my life.

I was reading a story I’ve read many times, the story of Moses helping to free the Israellites in Exodus. In Chapter 15, after they crossed the Jordan, they started complaining to Moses, about them having bitter water. So God performed a miracle, and gave them clean drinking water. But by the next chapter, they were complaining again, this time about being hungry, and they compared their current state to when they were under Pharoh’s rule and had ample food. They were so extra, they even accused Moses of trying to starve them to death!

Now, as you read on you will see that God performs another miracle and gives them food, but I stopped at their complaining. I was irritated with them, and I said out loud to God, “How could they entertain returning to forced labor and abuse under Pharoh over some food?“, and God responded “it’s because they had an ‘at least’ mindset”. And then He proceeded to tell me about myself.

To give you a heads up about my relationship with God, it’s very unique. I can hear God as clearly as I can hear anyone, and I jokingly say that He slaps me upside the head with His sandal. And that’s what He did that night. I’m going to summarize our conversation below.

Me: “I just don’t get how they would trade their freedom for some food. They watched you part a sea in half and put it back together.”

Jesus: “It’s funny that you are so irritated with what they did when you have done the same thing multiple times. It’s not about the food, it’s about them not believing that I had better for them, so they were willing to settle for what was safe. “

Me: Silence.

I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t say a word. I had no excuses. Have you ever heard something so piercing that you had to write it down? That was me in that moment, and not only did I write it down, I immediately wrote down examples of how God was right.

Here I was thinking I was better than the Israelites when I was just like them! Okay, no, I’m not in physical bondage or forced to do hard labor. BUT, there have been times when I know that God was asking me to trust Him for better, but I allowed my “at least” thinking cause me to settle, and I didn’t consider what it would cost me.

At least I have a man, even when I knew he was not the right one.

At least it’s a job, even when I was deeply unhappy.

These are excuses I told myself to justify making certain decisions, and can I tell y’all a secret? Neither of these decisions had a happy ending. In fact, they led to the same end result. Regret.

While I wish I would have realized and corrected this mindset years ago, I probably wouldn’t have listened to God or been still enough to hear His voice. But now that I do know, I have some work to do. It’s not easy unlearning a pattern of thinking, but I’m committed to doing it. I don’t want to forfeit anymore of the promises and plans that God for me because of the limitations of my own thinking, and it’s my hope that you don’t want to either. When God speaks, we must listen.

And then we need to DO something. I’m speaking to myself first and always.

See y’all next week!

Season 2: Doing It Afraid

This is my second time at attempting to write a blog. I created one in 2020 and I was fairly consistent, but I was more fearful than anything else and I stopped blogging because of my fear. What’s odd is that I wasn’t fearful that no one would read it (that’s not my goal here, hence the blog title). I’m just being obedient, and if God and the WordPress editors are the only ones to ever knows that this blog exists, I did what He said to do.

What I was fearful of was the potential for my vulnerability to be rejected, or worse, be weaponized. See, when God first started talking to me about writing a blog years ago, He told me to write about things that made me very uncomfortable. Things that I’ve experienced, choices that I’ve made, lessons I’ve learned, and things I still have questions about. This troubled me, because I very much enjoy being private for the most part. I have my close friends, who know me very well, but I have been very intentional about hiding certain parts of my story, especially those that involved matters of the heart and mind. I don’t look like what I’ve been through. Glory!

But if we are to be overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony, that means we must testify. Now let me be clear. This is not going to be some tell-all blog; not even close to that. I’m still very private, and I will only be sharing what God tells me to share (and even that will be it’s own struggle).

The purpose of this blog is to hopefully help someone else feel seen and know that they have not been alone in their life’s experiences, and that despite what they’ve been through, they are still worthy.

Am I scared? Absolutely. Do I know how long I’ll be writing this blog for? Nope. But what I do know is that throughout my life, two things have always help me to process my reality, and those things are reading and writing. I read and write something every single day. So, it is my prayer that as I am obedient to God, He will give me the courage to stand tall, in all of my truth, with no apologies made. In spite of all of the anxiety, fear, and the MANY questions that I have of God, I’m going to do it anyway.

Oh and I love GIFs and other forms of media and you will see them often. Judge yourself💯

See you next week!