OK, I haven’t written in a while, for multiple reasons. The first reason is that I have been extremely busy with work, and it’s been consuming my time. It’s easy for me to justify not being consistent with writing because it’s not something that I have to do. It’s not tied to my ability to pay my bills or anything like that. But then I had to remember that I told God that I would write, and just like I prioritize work, I need to prioritize writing. So I’m back.
There are so many things that I could talk about, but I’ll focus on what I consider to be an underlying theme I have been observing in my life lately, and that is about trusting God. I saw a TikTok video on Thursday that asked the question if we truly trust God, or if we just say we do. The timing of me seeing that video was spot on because I had just been talking to my mom about some work related changes that were happening and how I wasn’t sure how I felt about them. I’ve always been someone who is worry prone, and I freak out when I don’t understand the “why” behind something. If I am left in the dark, I then essentially throw an adult tantrum and I either shut down or I sit and I stew about what’s outside of my control and how I can get it within my control. And I’m currently in a place in my life right now where I know that God is asking me to trust Him, and to be completely honest, I am uncomfortable doing so.
When people talk about their ability to trust God, they often align it with the track record they have had with God. I’ve heard many people speak about God always being on time and how things ultimately worked out in the end for their good and for His glory. But you don’t hear a lot of people talking about how they trusted God and they ended up disappointed, or how they ended up having to sacrifice something that was important to them. Those are the testimonies we need to hear more of. Now, I also recognize that anything that God is asking us to give up or to lay down is something that is limiting our spiritual growth, whether that be an idol in our lives, a sinful behavior(s), or an incorrect belief system. It’s always something that may make us feel better, but is not making us grow spiritually. I’ve said before that stability makes me feel better. Not knowing what’s gonna happen and being unsure just freaks me out. For the past couple of weeks I keep hearing God ask me the same questions: Arnessa, do you trust that I am a good Father to you? I see what’s happening at your work, do you trust me with your future? I know what the reality around you looks like, but I know the plans that I have for you, do you trust me to fulfill those plans? Why do I have to convince you to believe me? Don’t you remember my track record with you?
It’s easy for us to conflate God’s track record with us with people’s track record with us when we look back on our life. Often times we are praying for certain things to take place with certain people, but we have to remember that we all have free will. We can pray for people and we can want certain things to happen, but they can reject us, and this doesn’t mean that God failed or that he intentionally set out to hurt or harm us. When I look back on my track record with God, I’ve been the flaky one, but I let disappointment color how I saw His character.
One of the things that I am learning is how sinful worry truly is. It’s essentially a state of doubting God. Every time I worry about something in my life, I’m telling God that I doubt that He sees all and that He knows all. I believe that worry chokes our faith, because all that we see and all that we think about is around the “what ifs” of our situation. But the truth is that there are no “what ifs”with God; His character is already set and won’t change.
For the past couple of weeks, the same song has been on my mind, and I originally thought it was because it was trending, but today I realize that it’s because I needed to hear this song and look at the song lyrics through the lens of worry. I now have greater understanding on the depth of my trust issues and what I need to be honest with God about. So, I’ve written down some of the lyrics to this song below, and I’m gonna add in additional words about worry, in case you’re struggling with the same.
“I was sinking (I was overwhelmed), deep in sin” (deep in worry)
“Far from the peaceful shore” (God is our prince of peace)
“Very deeply stained within (wrestling with loss of sleep and joy) sinking to rise no more” (accepting your reality as truth)
“But the master of the sea (you were never alone) heard my despairing cry” (He cares about every tear you’ve cried)
“From the waters lifted me (He is our Rescuer) Now safe am I” (safe in His arms, even if the situation is unchanged)
I believe that everyone is going through something, that everyone is in their own sea of life. Some are suffering with grief and loss and pain, some deal with worry and depression, like me, but no matter what sea you are in, if you are a believer, we all have the same same Master. What I love about that song is that it speaks to our reality and then reminds us of who God is. I was sinking…..I was far from the peaceful shore…. I was stained very deeply…., and I even thought that I would not rise again. BUT THE MASTER. BUT GOD. Our reality is not our master. Our worries are not our master. God is the master of our sea, and He hears you and will lift you and carry you to safety.
“The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Pro 18:10 NIV
See yall next week~
The Obedience Diaries 