“Tell me who you loyal to
Do it start with your woman or your man?
Do it end with your family and friends?
Or you’re loyal to yourself in advance?” -Kendrick Lamar
I consider myself to be an extremely loyal person, and if I’m honest, I’m beginning to examine whether that is truly a good thing or not. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, aligning myself with things and people that I find value in. I’ll give you an example: I’m loyal to physical books. I can’t stand e-readers, like Kindle, and I also don’t like the audio versions of books. I’ve always felt like it was a form of cheating, although I know that that’s actually nonsensical. But there’s something about a physical book that I love, and it’s to the point where I refuse to even try reading differently. Out of all the things to be loyal to, physical books is one of my top ones. But I also know that deep down my loyalty to physical books is rooted in fear. What if I try a Kindle and I love it and all the physical books I own go unread? What if I enjoy an Audible subscription and feel like I wasted money buying physical books? So I tell myself to just remain loyal to what I’ve always done, and that it’s not hurting me to not try anything new. Right?
I started with books because that’s a low-stakes game for me. But the truth is that I have been deeply loyal to some long-standing relationships in my life. I am super loyal to my friends; in fact, I have known all of my close friends for at least eight years, if not longer. I’ve been very loyal to the company where I work for the past 13 years, which feels wild to say because of how fast time has gone by. I was very loyal to my previous church for eight years, and I was all-in in multiple areas. Can you see a pattern? When I like something and I find it of value to me, my heart makes a contract with my mind, and I decide that I am fully devoted to that thing and/or person. I essentially make a non-spiritual covenant, which is dangerous in and of itself. Maybe that needs to be its own separate blog.
Now, please understand that in no way am I demeaning being a loyal person. I think that loyalty is a beautiful thing, especially in today’s time, where it seems like we change our minds about our commitments and people almost daily. My parents raised me with the understanding that if you said you would commit to something, you need to honor your word and commit to that thing. And I’ve done just that and developed some beautiful relationships and experienced personal growth and maturity as a result of my loyalty. And if I weren’t self-aware, I would end the blog right here and tell you to be loyal to all the things that are important to you and to have a good weekend. But the purpose of this blog is to be obedient and share the life lessons I’ve learned and those I’m still learning. So I need to talk about how loyalty can be misused.
Loyalty is one of those things that gets you praise from people, it inflates your ego and makes you feel good about yourself. And I wanted to make sure that I called this out because we have to recognize what gives us validation, and how that impacts our decisions. It took me a very long time to understand that my loyalty was often used as a way to avoid embracing change in my life. Instead of doing the internal work to uncover why I was fearful about change, I just celebrated being a loyal person. Then when other people around me began to change, I was filled with insecurity and I resented them because deep down, I was jealous of their bravery, the bravery I did not have.
I want to be explicitly clear about something- it takes bravery to change your mind about your loyalty to something and/or someone. When I hear about a woman leaving an unhealthy marriage after 20 years, I recognize her bravery. When I hear about people changing careers after decades in a specific industry, I recognize their bravery. When I see people pick up and leave everything and everyone they know in their hometown and move to a completely different state across the country, I recognize their bravery.
I’m going to say something that might rattle some people, but I don’t care. I have a theory that most people who consider themselves to be very loyal people are also very fearful people. I think loyal people are the siblings to people pleasers; it becomes one more way for people to solidify their value/worth to others. That’s why I said earlier that loyalty can earn you praise from people. On the surface, it appears like a beautiful trait, and it truly can be. But we have to be aware of what’s underneath the surface of our behavior. When I looked under the surface of my own behavior, I saw that my loyalty was a form of emotional insurance, that it guaranteed that what I valued wouldn’t be taken away from me. If I show you that I am a very loyal friend, you won’t have a reason to stop being friends with me. If I show you that I am a hard-working employee, you will see me as worthy and promote me. If I am loyal to you in a romantic relationship no matter how you treat me, you will pick me because I’ve proved myself. (But they still don’t).
This is where I bring us back to something I said earlier in this blog, and that is about the emotional contracts I created between my heart and my mind when I decided to be loyal to something and/or someone. I had an unspoken expectation with that contract and assumed that my loyalty would be rewarded with their loyalty in return. Isn’t it awesome? Yes! Do you think that’s what actually happened? No! I did not consider the realities of life, that sometimes friendships end, and it’s not because of a falling out or something negative, but just because we find ourselves at different places in life. I didn’t consider that some people accepted my loyalty because it benefited them, but they never had any intention of being loyal to me in return. I didn’t consider that it is perfectly OK for people to change their minds about things in their lives and that it’s perfectly OK for me to change my mind too!
Loyalty and love are completely different things and we need to be careful to not put them in the same category. Over the past five years, I have been actively allowing myself to accept and embrace change in my life, while still choosing to love deeply. I’ve changed churches now a couple of times, but I still fiercely love everyone at my old church. I’ve had friendship changes and friendship dynamic changes (which is another blog itself), but I still love and ride for my friends. I’ve opened my eyes to the possibility of potential career changes, but I still love everything that I’ve learned and gained thus far. Just because you change who and what you are loyal to does not mean that you stop loving people. You changing your mind does not make you a villain, it makes you a human.
If there is anything I could say to my 20-year-old self, it would be that it’s OK to change your mind. Life is so much shorter than you think and it’s gonna fly by, so make the decisions that you want to make versus the ones you feel you should make.
Be loyal to what will bring you your highest level of joy. We only have this one life💜
See y’all next week~
The Obedience Diaries 