For the first time since starting this blog, I’m going to do a series, where the next 3 blogs will all focus around the topic of being seen. This has been on my heart lately and keeps coming up, so I will be obedient and dig into it.
I know a lot about corrective lenses because I’ve been wearing glasses for the last 20+ years. I remember being in elementary school and not being able to read what the teacher was writing on the board, and that started my journey of becoming a four-eyes. I now love my glasses and don’t have any desire to ever have contacts or get Lasik surgery. But I do have one regret about my glasses, and that is how I made my vision worse, and the consequences I now have to deal with. As a child, I was diagnosed as being nearsighted, which means that I have trouble seeing things far away. But I was insecure at first about wearing glasses, and I used to take them off and squint a lot, which strained my eyes. I also used to go to sleep with my glasses on, and this is also not recommended because our eyes, like everything else, need to rest. At the time I didn’t think that sleeping with my glasses on or squinting a lot was a big deal until I got older when I was later diagnosed with Astigmatism in my left eye. Astigmatism is essentially blurriness and it affects the clarity of your vision. So now as an adult, I am still very nearsighted and have blurriness in my left eye. Because of this change in my prescription, my glasses are more expensive and I have to get specific frames.
As a kid, I was so focused on what I did see (I felt ugly with my glasses), that I ignored what was true (that my glasses were beneficial for me). And while this example is about physical glasses, I can admit that it’s not just my eyes that need corrective lenses, it’s my mind and heart. I’ll be honest and admit that I have routinely felt unseen in life, meaning that I can be around people and still feel invisible. When I was in high school I wanted to be like the other girls, and while I was friendly with everyone and everyone knew me, I still didn’t feel like they saw me. I felt the same way with men of my past and even in my workplace at different times. It’s something I’ve spoken to God about many times, and I was beginning to question if the reality is that maybe I’m not meant to be seen; that maybe I’m asking for too much.
I was thinking about this last night and I felt God telling me to go to the library in the morning and journal. This was weird to me, because I could have gone anywhere to journal, including staying at home, but there was something about the library that kept coming back to me. So after running an errand, I headed to the library, and I’m very grateful that I did because it was the quiet that I needed, so I could hear God talk to me. During my time of journaling, he showed me the faulty beliefs I have about being seen.
I started journaling about different times in my life where I felt unseen, and I found an intriguing pattern about myself. I can confuse being chosen with being seen; that if someone chooses me that means that they have already seen me and deemed me as worthy, and that if they don’t choose me it’s because they have already seen me and deemed me as unworthy. But being seen and being chosen are two completely different things, and they should not be considered the same. Imagine a world where only those who choose you are the ones who have ever seen you. It creates a very, very, small world. And we serve a big GOD.
I continued to write, and God showed me a second faulty belief that I have, which is that in my quest to be seen, I don’t realize where my own vision is blurry, to my own detriment. He reminded me of a past relationship where I was so grateful that I was finally being seen that I ignored the other red flags that were right in front of me. The reality of who that person truly was was lost on me, and this impacted my ability to think clearly about what I was allowing myself to engage in. My glasses can be clean and my heart can be blurry at the same time. Ouch!
I kept writing, and God showed me another faulty belief that was hard for me to accept. Because I don’t feel seen often, when I do feel seen by someone, instead of it being my baseline it becomes my goal post. Being seen should be my minimal expectation, but because I fear that it won’t happen I have not created any expectations beyond that. I’ve allowed people to do the bare minimum because the bare minimum is all I allowed myself to see. And those who have taken advantage of that are not at fault; they are not the villain in the story. If I truly saw myself accurately, not only would I have expectations for the people who see me and desire to be in my life, but I would also have boundaries in place to protect myself when those expectations are not met.
Y’all at this point I was ready to leave and head home, because I was emotionally tired. But I kept writing and I told God to continue talking and that I was listening, and he shared one last faulty belief with me, and this was the most painful of them all. He simply said to me “I’ve always seen you, but that hasn’t been enough for you.” Yeah. YEAH. No one knows me better than God *cue Muni Long*, no one who has seen my crazy more than Him. And yet, in spite of how well He knows me, He chooses to love me anyway. He chooses to give me a purpose and plans, and talks to me, and listens to my prayers. He has always seen me, but because His vision of me was not tied to the approval of people I didn’t believe it. All of this time He’s been waiting for me to see myself, and here I’ve been waiting for other people to see me, who ultimately don’t matter at all. How are other people going to see something that I don’t see myself?? And with that, it was officially time to go, with 10% battery left on my phone.
I treasure my collection of glasses; they are an extension of my personality and an absolute need for me. And I am so grateful that on this day God showed me my spiritual glasses, that what I have always wanted I already had. It starts with me. It has always started with me.
See y’all next week~
The Obedience Diaries 