I’m sure by now that we have all seen that video of K-Ci and Jojo singing, and that video has been playing in my head for the past several weeks leading up to my birthday, which was yesterday. I am now 36, and before you roll your eyes, I know that’s not old, that I have plenty of life to live, etc. But just because you don’t relate to someone’s concerns or you feel that your concerns are of greater substance doesn’t mean that you should dismiss someone else. I’m allowed to have feelings about getting older. You’re allowed to not care.
I’ve always been chill about birthdays and I’m low-key in how I celebrate. But this year I feel more anxiety than excitement, and it’s because I am not completely at peace about getting older. Don’t get me wrong, I accept my birthday. I’ve never been the type to lie about my age or have a 10th “25th” birthday. I’m closer to 40 than I am to 30, and that’s just reality. I’m two years away from my 20th high school reunion, and I already know in advance that I won’t be going.
I recently read that the average life span is between 73 and 76 years for women, with black women living 3-5 years less than white women. So at 36, my mid-life crisis makes sense. But I wouldn’t call it a crisis necessarily, because that’s a heavy word that is often associated with impulsive decisions. Instead of the word crisis, I am going to use the word audit. I’m having a mid-life audit, where I’m reflecting on my past, my current state, and what I want for my future.
As I am reflecting, I have found one major pattern. I am a create of habit; I tend to do the same things, all of the time. I noted some examples:
-I’ve worn my hair in the same style for the last 4-6 years
-I’ve lived in the same apartment for 10 years
I’ve been working at the same company for the last 13 years (which for a millennial is super uncommon)
-I wore some version of black glasses every year for 20 years (I’ve been a four-eyes since I was 10)
-I have not worn any makeup in 14 years (is Iman Cosmetics still in business?)
I rolled my eyes at myself after reading this list. Not because I’m embarrassed, but because I don’t see anything on this list changing soon except potentially the color of my faux locs and that now I have all kinds of funky glasses in all colors. Hi Zeelol! And while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a person who likes what they like, I’m examining my “why”.
I know and embrace that I am the type of woman that needs stability in my life, and I am grateful that for the most part, my life has a lot of stability. This is why I pray that God doesn’t give me a husband who is a dreamer, because I will not be the supportive wife he needs. You can dream after work sweetheart💯
But I also have the self-awareness of knowing that I fear losing my stability, and this impacts many of my decisions. I’ve thought about moving to a new state for years, but what if I give up my apartment and leave my family and it doesn’t work out? What if I forfeit all of my accrued PTO and tenure and go to a new company and I regret it? The what-ifs are constant in my mind, and they often silence whatever bravery I am feeling that day.
Yesterday I spent a lot of time thinking about what 36 means to me, and I’m still thinking about it. I am an unmarried woman with no kids, I can literally do whatever I want. And that reality is both exhilarating and terrifying. I do know that I have enough regrets (more than enough) and that I want to experience more joy, more laughter, and more bravery.
I also want to make a disclaimer: I am not conflating bravery with recklessness (I’ve walked down that road before). I’m not making any changes without first making a plan.
Here’s to 36 turns around the sun~
See y’all next week!
The Obedience Diaries 