Keep Going

I’m late writing today’s blog, because for the first time in a long time, I was busy with work from the moment I started to the end of my day. But I said I would be consistent, and I will keep that promise to myself.

If I’m honest, I should’ve started planning this week’s blog earlier in the week, but I avoided it because I was trying to get through this week as quickly as possible. My anxiety has been working overtime these days, and usually when I feel anxious, I do only what I have to do and then I spend a lot of time being quiet. I knew that writing this blog would require me to exert more mental and emotional energy than I wanted to give, which is why it’s 6 PM and I’m just now writing this. So since my anxiety is at the top of my mind and heart, that’s what I’m gonna write about today; having the motivation to keep going in the midst of anxiety.

Now, one thing I will not do on this blog is justify, define, and argue about the nuances of mental health. I recognize that they are different types of mental health issues and different ways they show up in each person. If the way I speak about my mental health does not align with how your mental health shows up, that’s perfectly OK. I’m not here to defend anything, I’m only here to own my truth.

When you have anxiety, it can influence your decisions in ways that you may not see at first. For me, one of the areas anxiety has conquered me in the past is through my lack of dreaming. I believe that life should be an adventure, but I worry about the risks associated, and if those risks are worth it. For people with anxiety, risk can be conflated with harm. So you tell yourself that any dream or desire that you have that is not within your total control has the potential to harm you, and as a result, you stop dreaming. Being realistic may not bring you joy, but it does bring you comfort.

I’ve been thinking about faith heavily for the past 6 months, and last year I asked God to show me the dreams that I had thrown away out of fear and my lack of faith. He showed me a few of them, and then He asked me to do something that I didn’t understand at the time. He asked me to write down every time I had been rejected in my life up to this point. And y’all, this was so painful to write, because I had to remember things that I have pushed way down in my heart. Jobs I had applied for, failed friendships and relationships, and even times where I felt rejected by God. When I finished writing, I looked at my total list, and I was troubled at how long it was. I was also troubled at how nothing was on the list more than once, meaning that I had only tried one time, felt rejected, and then quit.

It was at that moment that I realized that I have a quitting problem. When I feel the pain of rejection, my anxiety tells me that I can avoid this pain by never trying again. But with that decision, another type of pain is introduced, regret. There was so much regret on that page, and I honestly felt heartbroken.

So, in September of last year, I decided to get some flip-chart paper and write down my dreams. These included dreams for my family, dreams for my future marriage, dreams about my career, dreams about my finances, etc. I did not hold back, and I wrote down everything that was on my heart. Just writing them down gave me crazy anxiety, but just like this blog, I did it anyway.

And, slowly but surely, I’ve been working towards making my dreams a reality. I’ve also been praying that I surrender my dreams to God, and that I believe that His plans for me are infinitely more powerful than my anxiety ever could be. Some of my dreams may not come true, and some of them may not come true at this time. But I’m going to keep going and keep dreaming and keep giving my best so that I’m prepared for whatever my future holds.

Thank you God, for being my peace♥️

Please watch this video to remind yourself of who God is🙌🏾 See y’all next week!