“Stop dating people who only want to see you at night, you are not a roach” -Black Twitter, 2020
I have to be so real as I write this because some things need to be told straight. I know Valentine’s Day is coming up, and for some, it brings a heightened awareness of your own loneliness. I understand how you feel, considering that I haven’t had a Valentine in 10+ years, but I’m good, I’m fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE (sigh). But one thing that I do have on my side that I did not always have is the confidence in knowing that I won’t settle for just anybody, and that I definitely am not going to settle for being anyone’s secret.
Now before we get into this topic, I want to first bring clarity to something. I’m not speaking to the women who are being deceived in their relationships; that’s something different entirely. I’m speaking to the women who know they are a secret and are willfully still engaging in the relationship. You are my target audience.
Now, I want to be clear and explain that it’s possible to be a man’s secret and still have fun with him and enjoy happy times. Just because he’s not publicly with you doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you and does not enjoy your company. But it does mean is that there’s something about you that he believes he does not have to invest in, and therin lies the problem. You are an investment, and this includes your time, your energy, your care, and most certainly your body. It’s not okay for a man to exert the least amount of effort and in turn you give him the most of your energy.
I can talk so passionately about this because I’ve walked down this road. Hell, I’ve walked, ran, swam, and jet skiied down this road. But I’m so grateful that was many years ago, and that I’ve decided to say no more. To be clear, men are not the villians in this story; our lack of self-love is. That’s why I’ve never been the type to trash men, because we are often equal players in the games that hurt us.
Now, if you are like me, you may be delusional in your accepting the truth about your being a secret. I used to be masterful in justifiying my decisions, so I know how to play that game better than you. But with the help of Jesus, journaling, and therapy, I know realize that the truth was in front of me all along, and so as my Valentine’s Day gift to you, I am going to give you some key questions to ask yourself. If you can answer YES to at least three of these questions, you are settling for a secret relationship and you need to stop.
Question 1: Have you ever gone on a date with this man during the day or at night (any resturant, bowling, movies, etc.) *I’m also adding a mileage caveat to this. If y’all live in Federal Way and y’all go to Lynnwood to eat, it’s suspect. Argue with somebody else*
Question 2: Have you ever met any of his family/friends/loved ones? *If a man cares about you, he will introduce you to the people he cares about*
Question 3: When you see him in public, does he speak to you? *Or does he act like you don’t exist and/or give you that church wave?*
Question 4: Does he make last-minute plans with you? *Asking you to come through at 10:25pm on a Tuesday night*
Question 5: Do you have a picture with him? Could you take a picture with him without him telling you to immediately delete it? *This is a big one; it’s easy to not think about this when you’re with someone often, but it’s very telling how he reacts to taking a picture with you*
If you are just now realizing that you’re a secret, my heart hurts for you, truly. But I’m also grateful, because in this year of 2024, I don’t want any woman to settle. We deserve better. You deserve better. We have to rework our minds about being alone. Sometimes, alone is better. Because at least you can be alone on your own terms. And that kind of ‘at least’ thinking is good.
See y’all next week!
The Obedience Diaries 